Keeping a secret

Keeping a secret has never been one of my best strengths. I have the clearest memory of early Christmas', much to my mother's dismay, where I blurted out to my father that he was getting slippers for Christmas. I remember one holiday shopping trip, specifically, where we bought the usual Christmas gift (brown, moccasin style slippers) and my mom told me not to tell my dad what we got because we want him to be surprised. It was to be "our secret." I must have promised, because my mom and dad were quite disappointed when, as soon as he arrived home from work that night I blurted out, "We didn't get you slippers for Christmas today." I saw the exasperation in my mother's face, and argued my point that "I hadn't told him we GOT him slippers, I told him we DIDN'T get him slippers," so I actually felt that I kept the secret.

Anyway, on Christmas Eve, my dad smiled at me and my mom when he opened his Christmas gift and put on his slippers. He looked surprised and said they were "just what he needed."

I did get to keep one secret that my mom had asked of me. It was the winter of 1965 and we were sitting at the kitchen table when she said something she was afraid I would repeat. I remember her looking me in the eye so seriously and asking me to keep it a secret so as not to hurt someone's feelings. She probably didn't sleep for weeks, worrying that I would give her away. Well, before I had the chance (I was terrible at keeping secrets, remember) my mom suddenly passed away. Forty-five years later and that not-so-dirty little secret has never fallen from my lips. There have been so many times that I wanted to tell someone this story, but I am afraid I would weaken and spill the beans. The person the secret was meant to protect has since died and there really isn't any reason to keep it anymore, except the fact that it is the only remaining bond I have with my mother. Whenever I think back on "our secret." I remember how disappointed she was with the "slipper incidents." I wouldn't, couldn't risk that... Her secret is safe with me. I think she would be proud.